In 1 Timothy 3:2, it says that someone who is leadership should “not be violent but gentle”. Gentleness is listed as one of the “Fruits of the Spirit” in Galatians 5:22-23. However, here in 1 Timothy 3:2 we are not merely instructed to be “gentle” but even more specifically “not violent”.
If you research “violence” in the scriptures, there are some strong words against violence:
Do not envy a man of violence and do not choose any of his ways ~ Proverbs 3:31
The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. ~ Psalm 11:5
In fact, if you go back to Galatians 5 and read the few lines before “Fruits of the Spirit” you will read about what is called “Works of the Flesh”.
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Note that several of the items listed in 1 Timothy 3:2 are called “works of the flesh” in Galatians 5. It is when we are not walking in God’s way, but in our own sinful humanness. The violence in these scriptures is not what you see in war, when God has called warriors up as defenders of His people. This is fleshy violence. Vengeance, anger, hatred, malice.
I believe it is clear that the Lord calls his leaders to set a standard in how the treat one another, including our spouses and children. In 1 Timothy 3, the leader is called to be a manager of his home, but not in a violent way… but respectful. (1 Timothy 3:4 – He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect). In clearer terms, the leader is not to be abusive… physically, mentally, emotionally.
Whether the leader is a man, or a woman.